A Quick Note From the Author: This is a glimpse of how Jesus saved my life. Ultimately our saving is marked the day Jesus died on the cross; however, we have free will and my free will took me down a path I never want to travel again. In addition, this piece is written from my experience and perspective. This piece is meant to share testimony to Jesus’ saving ability. To know Jesus more and to know Him personally, the only source is the Bible, his true word.
I’ve spent much of my life having an idea of who Jesus was and found great satisfaction in being known as the “good girl”. I went on living this way for years until one day I didn’t. I made a public decision that dethroned me of my “good girl” title. The effects of that decision caused a wave of bitterness, anger, and resentment toward Christianity. Judgement sounds hammered loud from other Christians. One public mistake changed the way many viewed me, talked about me, and befriended me and I was tired, sad, and unable to live up to the Christian expectation.
No longer wanting to be associated with Christians and being judged based on the (public) good and bad I do, I surrounded myself with people that didn’t judge me. It was during this time I fed my flesh most everything I thought it desired. The deeper I got into this bitter way of life, the more addicted to my bitterness I became. You see, I started out angry at Christians only to find out that the true anger and hate I had was toward myself. I fed on things, did things that only proved I was worth hating. I thought I was satisfied until I became bored and then it happened … it didn’t happen overnight but when it did it felt abrupt. I was hit hard with guilt and shame of the bitterness that became me, of the things I had done. As the reality of the things I had done came crashing in, I realized I didn’t know who I was anymore. Suddenly, I became tormented with these thoughts:
“I’ve gone too far.”
“I didn’t mean for my anger to take me this deep.”
“What have I done?”
“How was this worth it?”
I’m not talking about embarrassment or a little guilt here and there. No, I had done too much, hurt too many people, damaged my body one too many times to have a little guilt. Rather, I was so full of shame that I wanted to end it all, my life. I wanted to run and hide from the consequences and was willing to cower. At this point, I hated myself just enough to do it. At this point, my whole being became so consumed by shame that it was more than my body could bear and thought I had to do it.
If you’d ask me years prior to this, I would have told you I have been a Christian since I was six years old. The truth is, it wasn’t until this particular season of life that I truly surrendered my entire heart to Jesus because, for the first time in my life, I saw the condition of the human heart apart from Jesus and was amazed (to tears) by his ability to love me still, desire me still, and choose me still. At the point of thinking I had to end it all, he saved my life. For the first time, I stopped trying to be “good” and just accepted that he loved me at my worst. In the summer of 2010, I finally learned what the human heart is capable of apart from Jesus, and I’ve never been the same since. It was that day I realized, I may not know what the future holds but I know one thing … I NEVER want to go back to that place of bitterness and shame again. I haven’t left Him since that day and since that day His word continues to prove he is more (more than I was told by others, more than my preconceived ideas, more than religion, more than being good, more!).