Have you ever been in such a bondage of sin that you didn’t even remember how to find enjoyment out of things that are good?
I’m sharing with you some scribblings I wrote back in 2010. This was the year I truly surrendered my life to the Lord. In my surrendering, I was scared and doubtful because I fed too long on things that nearly destroyed my soul. It was in this surrendering that this list (pictured below) was birthed. I made a list of “holy hobbies” (go ahead, laugh … my mom did) to remind myself of things I once enjoyed and trained myself to enjoy them again. These are things that I could do that wouldn’t lure me back to the things, people, and places that had nearly destroyed my soul. I knew what “hooked” me so I stayed as far away as I could because, even as a surrendered Christian, I didn’t trust myself near those things, people, and places. You see, I now knew what the human heart was capable of and had the smarts to NEVER even peek around the corner (praise GOD!). I was a new creation and even though I didn’t feel it, God’s word said so and I was ready to do different. So, I relearned what it meant to enjoy life without destroying my soul (read the full story here).
I’m not sharing this list with you to be cute or funny because, quite frankly, nothing about this time of my life was cute or funny. I’m sharing this list with you to show you just how deep my depravity was (so much so that I had to write out things I could enjoy without unraveling again). In addition, giving a real life picture of what “dying to self” looks like (Galatians 2:20), and that you can never be too far gone for Christ to not redeem and restore (Isaiah 61).
Girlfriend, it may be the silliest, childish thing you’ve ever done (like writing out a list of “holy hobbies”) but if it keeps you from a pit of sin, separated from God, and living in a life of shame, you go for it because the old has gone and the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17) and if you are His, you are free indeed (John 8:36)!
Great Follow-Up Posts:
Redemption of a Good Girl Gone Bad
An Addicts Confession
A Quick Note From the Author: This is a glimpse of how Jesus saved my life. Ultimately our saving is marked the day Jesus died on the cross; however, we have free will and my free will took me down a path I never want to travel again. In addition, this piece is written from my experience and perspective. This piece is meant to share testimony to Jesus’ saving ability. To know Jesus more and personally, the only source is the Bible, his true word.
I’ve spent much of my life having an idea of who Jesus was and found great satisfaction in being known as the “good girl”. I went on living this way for years until one day I didn’t. I made a public decision that dethroned me of my “good girl” title. The effects of that decision created a wave of bitterness, anger, and resentment that came crashing down. Judgement sounds hammered loud from others and left scars of hurt. One public mistake changed the way I was viewed, talked about, and befriended and, because of this, my hurt turned loose. I was out for blood only to realize it was the Devil who was out for mine.
As I tried to hide my hurt, I built up walls of bitterness and judgment for a certain group of people: Christians. Like the prodigal son, I left to go and feed my flesh most everything it desired. The deeper I got into this bitter way of life, the more addicted to my bitterness I became. You see, I started out angry at Christians only to find out that the true anger and hate I had was toward myself. I fed on things, did things that only proved I was worth hating. I thought I was satisfied until I became bored and then it happened- it didn’t happen overnight but when it did it was abrupt. I was hit hard with conviction from the bitterness that became me, of the things I had done. As the reality of the things I had done came crashing in, I realized I didn’t know who I was anymore. Suddenly, I became tormented with these thoughts:
“What have I done and who have I become?”
If you’d ask me years prior to this, I would have told you I have been a Christian since I was six years old. The truth is, it wasn’t until this particular season of life that I truly surrendered my entire heart to Jesus. For the first time in my life, I saw the condition of the human heart apart from Jesus and was in tears by his ability to love me still, desire me still, and choose me still. At the point of thinking I had failed to the point of no return, he saved my life. For the first time, I stopped trying to be “good” and just accepted that he loved me at my worst.
In the summer of 2010, I finally learned what the human heart is capable of apart from Jesus, and I’ve never been the same since. It was that day I realized, I may not know what the future holds but I know one thing and that is: I NEVER want to be separated from God like that again. I haven’t left Him since that day and His word continues to prove he is more amazing than I ever thought.
Click here to read: An Addicts Confession (from the Unspoken Broken)
This is written from the perspective of an addict who knows there is freedom in Jesus but has yet to experience for herself. Freedom in Jesus sounds so wonderful and simple, yet people that have tried to help her fail to realize something … she is an addict and an addict falls hard to the thing she is addicted to.
An addict is a tortured soul who knows the truth but feeds off lies (eventually confusing them for truth). If an addict stays too long here, they become unrecognizable. You see, addiction isn’t just to drugs, alcohol, and sex. Addiction is the very thing the enemy uses to torture your soul, question God’s goodness, and ultimately destroy you (your testimony, heart, all the good work God has done in you).
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” John 10:10
My body is driven by you.
My mind is consumed by you.
My life is encompassed by you.
My soul is tortured by you.
You are not my King.
You are not who I committed to serve.
You are not sovereign.
You are who feeds me (day in, day out).
You are who I get drunk on.
You are my addiction.
Written By: Maria Bowersock
She’s a restless soul with a heart that wants Jesus. She’s living proof of Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Her desires, from this world, run red hot through her veins and she still craves more. She has a big appetite for this world, a true addict. She knows too much about Jesus to know this is ok, to stupidly believe that this way of living is unnoticed by God. In her many years of going to church, she learns the Christian slang and can quickly recall scripture so she recalls Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”. She knows what she should choose, what she should want to choose, and how she should be doing it but she doesn’t want to. “Let me linger a little longer”, she says as she hopes to convince God that she’ll “be there soon”. She knows if people only knew what ran deep in her veins, burning hot, they would not think she was the good girl everyone was so convinced she was.
The good girl. She was a good little girl. At a young age, she learned how to make people happy. She ran wild with imagination and stubbed toes during the week and spent the weekends in fear of him, his violation of the mind, body, and soul. She learned, at a very young age, that she was different than all of the other little kids. They ran wild with an affection for fun and she ran wild with a fear of affection. They sought hiding places in forts and secret gardens, and she sought hiding places inside of herself (a section, of her mind, reserved for her hiding). Their hiding places said “no boys allowed”; her hiding places said, “no feeling aloud”. Their hiding places were a place of fun; her hiding place was a place of escape, to feel numb. Quick, he comes … hide.
He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.
“…even the winds and waves obey him!”
Thy Will by Hillary Scott & The Scott Family