After Mom and Dad died in the plane crash, I would beg God to use me through the pain. I wanted my pain to be worth it, and I needed it to be more than what my eyes could see which was death and hopelessness. I thought if God could still use me after this that this would somehow be worth it or evidence that there was a bigger plan. I really struggled for six years as I saw God using others and not me. I didn’t anticipate it being six years of silence and pain of wondering “what was the point” if all that was meant for me in this was to hurt and to grieve.
What I’m not saying and what I didn’t see at the time, I had a belief at the core that to be used by God meant I was valued by God. The enemy’s greatest lie in my life has always been “you aren’t seen, you aren’t valued” and he taunted me with these lies in the midst of this personal disaster. Now don’t get me wrong, I had beautiful life events occur in these six years. I’m not disillusioned to think I had it all bad. We are complex and this situation is complex- in my soul, I was deeply hurt while all the while being thankful for the beauty of his creation.
I began to wonder what the point of this tragedy was for me. I’d often hear how God is using others in big ways through this story. I’d witness this myself, he really was using others in “big” ways through this story. There was something in my heart, this ache that seemed to flare up even more when I heard those words though because it left me with the pain that said, “but what about me”. “God, did you have to allow my parents to die to use this story like this? This wasn’t worth it to me, not to me!” I didn’t need this story to be about me but I needed to know that God was about me through this painful reality.
Here is where the miraculous soul healing comes in.
I am now confident that God will work everything out for the good of those that love him. I am confident this tragedy was never meant to be a story pointing to a person, but to a mighty God who did a miraculous work in the lives and hearts of people through excruciating pain. Would I have been so confident of this if he didn’t allow the six years of the pain and lingering question of “do you see me”? I don’t know but what I do know is because of those six years, I’ve never been so sure of his goodness. I wouldn’t trade this confidence for anything- anything.
Although I recognize and am thankful for the ways God has used their death, their death will never be worth it to me. The only death I will ever give thanks for is Jesus’ because it’s the one that brought me life. Any other death is just a reminder to me that this is painful here on earth, it’s an ache in my heart that says “I can’t wait for Heaven”.
Being used by God in this tragedy will never wipe away the pain or somehow validate that God is still good. In fact, my curiosity is taking me down a road with God asking him, “did you create me to be used up by you or to be loved by you?”
Furthermore, does being used by God mean we are loved by him or does being loved by God mean he can use us in some miraculous way?
I’ll leave you with a quote from Zach Neese in his book, How to Worship a King, “God didn’t create you so that He could use you. He created you so that He could know you… God can use anything, but He sent His Son so that He could have relationships with people who believe- not objects” (page 3).
Upcoming Blog Post: Scripture study of people who have been used by God answering the questions posted above. Updated as of 2/9/18: Click here to locate the scripture study