She’s a restless soul with a heart that wants Jesus. She’s living proof of Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Her desires, from this world, run red hot through her veins and she still craves more. She has a big appetite for this world, a true addict. She knows too much about Jesus to know this is ok, to stupidly believe that this way of living is unnoticed by God. In her many years of going to church, she learns the Christian slang and can quickly recall scripture so she recalls Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”. She knows what she should choose, what she should want to choose, and how she should be doing it but she doesn’t want to. “Let me linger a little longer”, she says as she hopes to convince God that she’ll “be there soon”. She knows if people only knew what ran deep in her veins, burning hot, they would not think she was the good girl everyone was so convinced she was.
The good girl. She was a good little girl. At a young age, she learned how to make people happy. She ran wild with imagination and stubbed toes during the week and spent the weekends in fear of him, his violation of the mind, body, and soul. She learned, at a very young age, that she was different than all of the other little kids. They ran wild with an affection for fun and she ran wild with a fear of affection. They sought hiding places in forts and secret gardens, and she sought hiding places inside of herself (a section, of her mind, reserved for her hiding). Their hiding places said “no boys allowed”; her hiding places said, “no feeling aloud”. Their hiding places were a place of fun; her hiding place was a place of escape, to feel numb. Quick, he comes … hide.