A Quick Note From the Author: This is a glimpse of how Jesus saved my life. Ultimately our saving is marked the day Jesus died on the cross; however, we have free will and my free will took me down a path I never want to travel again. In addition, this piece is written from my experience and perspective. This piece is meant to share testimony to Jesus’ saving ability. To know Jesus more and personally, the only source is the Bible, his true word.
I’ve spent much of my life having an idea of who Jesus was and found great satisfaction in being known as the “good girl”. I went on living this way for years until one day I didn’t. I made a public decision that dethroned me of my “good girl” title. The effects of that decision created a wave of bitterness, anger, and resentment that came crashing down. Judgement sounds hammered loud from others and left scars of hurt. One public mistake changed the way I was viewed, talked about, and befriended and, because of this, my hurt turned loose. I was out for blood only to realize it was the Devil who was out for mine.
As I tried to hide my hurt, I built up walls of bitterness and judgment for a certain group of people: Christians. Like the prodigal son, I left to go and feed my flesh most everything it desired. The deeper I got into this bitter way of life, the more addicted to my bitterness I became. You see, I started out angry at Christians only to find out that the true anger and hate I had was toward myself. I fed on things, did things that only proved I was worth hating. I thought I was satisfied until I became bored and then it happened- it didn’t happen overnight but when it did it was abrupt. I was hit hard with conviction from the bitterness that became me, of the things I had done. As the reality of the things I had done came crashing in, I realized I didn’t know who I was anymore. Suddenly, I became tormented with these thoughts:
“What have I done and who have I become?”
If you’d ask me years prior to this, I would have told you I have been a Christian since I was six years old. The truth is, it wasn’t until this particular season of life that I truly surrendered my entire heart to Jesus. For the first time in my life, I saw the condition of the human heart apart from Jesus and was in tears by his ability to love me still, desire me still, and choose me still. At the point of thinking I had failed to the point of no return, he saved my life. For the first time, I stopped trying to be “good” and just accepted that he loved me at my worst.
In the summer of 2010, I finally learned what the human heart is capable of apart from Jesus, and I’ve never been the same since. It was that day I realized, I may not know what the future holds but I know one thing and that is: I NEVER want to be separated from God like that again. I haven’t left Him since that day and His word continues to prove he is more amazing than I ever thought.