Somethings Not Right Here

My parents died in a plane crash [almost] 5 years ago. Every year, on the anniversary of their death, it’s hard, really hard to allow myself to accept the end of their life, the reality that they are not coming back. I always take time out of my day to stop, reflect and remember them and memories we have together. I want to remember. I want to remember the good but I also want to remember the pain of that phone call that first informed me of their death, the nightmare of the days and months following. I want to remember. I need to remember because it’s the depth of my pain [over their loss] that reminds me just how deep my love for them truly was. I want to remember. I want to feel the pain so I run to it and not away from it. It’s a bond that on those who have grieved can understand …

I hang onto truths of who Jesus is during these times of pain. Truths that are rooted deep are: Jesus died on the cross for my sins. Jesus is risen from the dead. Jesus saved me from hell. I can be with Jesus in eternity forever. I can have hope because of Jesus.

As a Christian, I ramble these truths off like I’m reading a magazine article with the latest celebrity gossip & it wasn’t until this year that I was really broken over that. It wasn’t until this year that I realized something is not right here. My parents die & my grief naturally takes me and draws me to a place wanting to miss them, even wanting to fully feel the pain of their absence. Jesus dies to save my sins and instead of grief, I feel…well, nothing. His death has always made me want to remember and reflect but in a distant, trivial kind of way. His death has never, until this year, made me want to grieve [my sin and his death] to the core. It’s not right. It just can’t be right because if it is, I’ve made idols out of my parents . I have to love him more. I have to.

 

3 comments / Add your comment below

  1. I am moved to tears as I read through your blog. Your writing is so heartfelt and my heart goes out to you for the kind of loss you have had to endure. Your parents were beautiful and I can’t imagine facing what you have had to face. However, it is touching how God is using your grief for His glory. I can already tell you will help many through the grieving process with your writing. God bless you for being brave and strong. I’m so glad I found your blog. It looks like we both started in June. I look forward to reading more from you. Blessings 🙂

    1. What an absolutely kind thing to say! I’m so encouraged and so thankful to connect with you. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to read 💕

    2. this is truly one of the best compliments I’ve ever received. Thank you for saying something and so glad to meet you and follow you too! <3

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