I sat in the kitchen, folding laundry, sipping coffee, tears streaming down my face. I am confronted with the fear of grief. Not knowing if grief is around the corner again could nearly paralyze me with fear. I cry. Tears seem to be the only way I can properly express the seriousness of this fear.
I am tempted to let my mind settle into this fear- letting my mind run like a wild animal after it’s prey. I know as a Christian I have the privilege of crying out to God in the midst of fear, but knowing this and actually doing it takes on a whole new form when we are at our most vulnerable- right in the middle of the thing.
Today I tried out my heritage in Christ by going against my instinct to wrestle with the fear. Instead, I wrestled but wrestled with the Scriptures and flat out cried out to God to actually believe they are true. To be totally honest, most of my Christian life has been spent as a fraud by quoting scripture and not truly believing it. This type of “Christianity” won’t do for me anymore so I’m trying on something knew- honesty before God. I cried out to God in complete honesty that I don’t know how to confidently trust him when the reason for the fear feels too legit to quite.
In the midst of unbelief, I cried out to God.
I told him I’m scared of pain and asked him to show me how to have hope here.
I told him I’m scared to grieve again and asked him to show me how to trust (his continued faithfulness) here.
I told him I don’t know how to stop focusing on the “what ifs” and asked him to help me learn how to rest in the “even ifs”.
I’m so tired of living and doing life the same way I always have- in fear. I’m tired of trying to control life circumstances that are so uncontrollable anyway. I’m tired of reading the scripture and being moved by them but not changed by them. Or reading the scriptures and not being moved by them so thinking they aren’t working as if they are a prescription for my problems. The word of God is no prescription but alive and active. “Lord, help my unbelief.”
Don’t you want to read these ancient words that are true and see them come to life? I do and I’m tired of tolerating anything less than all he has to give.
It’s occurred to me that I don’t know how any of this can happen if I first don’t cry out to God for help. But hear me clearly because I am not suggesting that we have any ability to make this thing happen- that one belongs to God. What I am saying is that by crying out to God we have submitted to him- allowing us to have eyes that see and ears that hear.
I think of times I ask my children questions that I already know the answer to, but I want to hear the answer in their own words and from their own heart. It’s in this space with them that we learn each other better, know each other more, and love is demonstrated where it couldn’t had they not talked.
I understand that God is different because he already knows our heart but there is something powerful that happens for us when we cry out to our Creator in complete vulnerability.
We must cry out to our Father.
Cry Out:to utter inarticulate sounds, especially of lamentation, grief, or suffering, usually with tears, to weep; shed tears, with or without sound, to call loudly; shout; yell (sometimes followed by out), to demand resolution or strongly indicate a particular disposition
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.