Journal Entry from June 22, 2011
(two days before the plane crash)
I have been so ungrateful and humbled about this pregnancy, this life growing inside of me. Father, forgive me for my lack of thanks and indulging in my fear about something happening to my baby. I deeply miss who I once was with you. You truly have lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, you set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40:2). Help me get back to this kind of thanks.
I can’t wait for my week at the lake with the family! I will get some quiet time away with just you and me, to refocus. It is going to be the best time with you! I love you deeply. I can tell you have my heart … now.
It makes my heart so sad to think back on the excitement and anticipation for the week that was planned to be spent at the lake house with my family. Five years later, and I still don’t have a clear understanding of why. I don’t know that a clear understanding would make it hurt less, so instead of reflecting on my feelings and trying to make sense of something so painful; instead of a failed attempt at being positive and thinking positive, I’m going to go back to what I know is true. This is an exercise I’ve had to do often in the last five years so I open up scripture and write out truth regardless of how I feel …
Romans 8:28 “…in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Thank you, God, for pursuing me up until the day of the crash to love you and desire you more. I know you work all things out for the good of those who love you, so thank you for giving me a desire to love you so you can work this out for my good.
Isaiah 61:3 “…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
John 21 “…Simon son of John, do you love me more than these? ‘Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’ Again Jesus said, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ He answered, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Take care of my sheep.’ The third time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my sheep.’
Lord, I am learning that you know my heart better than I know my heart. You know if I love you, if I trust you, if I have fully given you my heart. Death is terrible and not what you designed or intend, and yet, you are somehow going to work it for my good. Help my eyes be drawn to your good when my heart is naturally drawn to see what is bad because I’m so easily swayed by my feelings. Waiting with great expectation that you will continue your good work in me until you call me home (2 Corinthians 1:10).
Thank you to my friends who have been the lifter of my arms when I have had no energy to open up the Bible and read truth. I never knew just how much we need each other until this. You were (and are) my Aaron and Hur (Exodus 17).