I lost my Mom to Heaven three and a half years ago. She was a great mom, one that made lots of mistakes, but one that was humble and willing to ask for forgiveness. She was a Jesus lover, follower, and worshiper. God’s creation brought tears to her eyes. She cried in awe of His goodness. She spoke truth when it was hard to hear and she always, always loved unconditionally. She taught me about God, though it wasn’t until my adult years that I could see how she modeled what it looked like to love Him.
The last six years of her life she became my best friend. We worked together, laughed and cried together, and she mentored and counseled me as I learned how to be a wife and a mother. I miss her.
Sometimes when I miss her I write to her.
A new wave of grief is washing over me this week. Being in your presence, and talking with you is what I deeply desire. These last few days I’ve allowed myself to think about you a lot. I’ve been thinking about all of the things I miss about you, about the life I once had that included you. I don’t often spend much time thinking on those things anymore, it seems better to focus on what is, and work on what’s coming.
My kids are getting older. It‘s painful to think of all that they have become when I think about how short a time some of them had with you, some of them you never got to meet.
I have no doubt that you would find them all so very special. I try not to let myself go down the road of thinking what you would say or think of each of them. It’s too painful, and though I never contemplated raising my kids without your influence, I know now it was never in God’s plans for you, for them, for me. I’m trying to learn to not grieve too long for what was never mine to begin with.
I miss you being so excited with me about my kids. I miss the comfort, consistency, and ease of our relationship. I miss your wisdom. I miss your words. I miss your voice, your laugh, your friendship, and your unconditional love.
As I grow closer to the Lord, I spend more time picturing your life in Heaven. I like to imagine hearing the things you would say about Heaven and Jesus. I picture your excitement as you meet and talk with so many others that you never met on earth but were inspired by. I want to hear the details of your time there.
That’s one of the things I miss most about you Mom, your attention to detail, your desire for detail. This is particularly one of the biggest losses for me in losing you. We shared details….. There are few people in my life now that are interested in the details. I’m pretty sure it is by God’s design. Though it causes me pain and tempts me down the road to lonely, it also drives me to Him as there is no one that knows and appreciates details like He does.
I get up really early in the morning now to spend time with the Lord. Sometimes it’s chilly in my house, so I put on my big fluffy robe that you bought for me, and I drink tea or coffee out of one of your mugs. It reminds me of when I was a kid, when I woke I would find you in your own fluffy robe sitting on the couch praying and reading your Bible, sometimes crying like I do now too. It makes me smile to think that my kids will have the same memories of me when they grow up. I feel grown up, and like I understand you better now. It also makes me laugh when I think about the fact that you would have water in your mug because you liked drinking from a mug but you didn’t really care for coffee or tea. You were special, unlike any other in both deep ways, and silly ways too.
I’m still learning how to live without you. I wonder will it always feel that way? You never walked through losing someone you were close to like I was close to you. I’m so happy for you to have not experienced that one hardship in this life, but it also feels strange for me to be walking through something so hard not having had your walk to model after.
One late night, after we knew you had stage four cancer, I let myself imagine a little how different life would be without you if you didn’t make it. It was terrifying and the worst thing I could imagine. While I felt so twisted up with grief, worry, and disbelief, I heard God whisper to me, “I’ll make it beautiful.” I believed Him but I wasn’t ready to surrender to the idea. I still find myself learning how to surrender to the idea, but He was and is faithful. He’s making it beautiful.
You always appreciated His beauty, and now I appreciate it too. You’re life mattered. He still uses your example to grow me every day. Thank you for being faithful to Him. I love you Mom, forever.
About Laura: I’m a daughter of the One True King. I’m a warrior in training for His Kingdom. I’m a sinner redeemed by Jesus. The only good you will find in me comes from Him, Jesus in me. Without Him, I’m just a mess… I’m also a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. My passion is to inspire women to desire change, to go, do, and be, the beautiful and powerful warrior daughters God created them to be.