“It was too perfect to last,’ so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic – as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (‘None of that here!’). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean ‘This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.’ As if God said, ‘Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.”
This quote from C.S. Lewis’ book, A Grief Observed, is a perfect summary of my journey with the Lord through my grief.
After my losses, everything I was sure to be true about God came into question, and that’s really painful when you’ve been a Christian for over 10 years. Often times I asked God, “what was the point of loving them so much only for it all to be taken away in an instant?”. In my pain, I spoke the language of someone pained and say things like, “I would’ve guarded myself against loving them that much had I known” and “you let me love them and you tricked me”. In my pain, I began to believe God wanted to rip the “rug” out from under me to teach me a lesson that he alone is God and I should not love anyone else more than him.
Fast forward this grief journey to today and I have a new understanding and certainty of what I am to do with this loss and who Jesus is to me, Maria. 2 Corinthians 1: 4 makes it very clear what the purpose for these losses were for me, “…who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” and I have been comforted by him, in the most tender and intimate of ways.
Through the most darkest days of my life (to date), I got know Jesus in the way that his word because real to me, and I got to experience (first hand) just how true his words are, which is intimate. Instead of just telling you it was intimate, I’m going to share with you through one of my journal times with him …
You believed me to be a tyrant King who is going to show you that it’s my way or the highway. You translated your losses to be a personal attack on you. You took my very words, in Romans, that say I work all things for the good of those who love me, to mean somehow your parents’ death was good for you. Death isn’t good. Your parents’ death was not good. Death is not what was intended when I created this world (Genesis). Your parents’ death wasn’t good for you, Maria, but I am going to work for your good and those are not the same meaning. Trust me, Child, because I died for you and I know…In Matthew 26, you see that I was in such great sorrow over my death that my sorrow felt like physical death. I get it and I get what this pain means for you. I knew what these losses were going to do to you and, child, I can handle it. I can handle your hurt, pain, and questions. I created you in your mama’s womb and I know your innermost places (Psalm 139). There is nothing you can do or say that will hurt or offend me so bad that I’ll leave you (Hebrews 13). I know this is painful and I hate it for you. I hate it for you so much that I died on the cross so you will never have to experience this again when you get to come home to me (Revelation 21). I needed you to see me (really see me) so you could know me and I could then heal the most broken areas of your heart, to heal the broken beliefs because you have three little ones I have given you to disciple. Your parents came home to me because “this had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be.”
I become little a child, his child, with tears flowing down my cheeks. I grieve again but this time, I grieve not for my parents but to see him more because I’ve missed so much of him, I’ve missed so much of his love for me because I didn’t know it quite yet. I didn’t know he loved me like this, so personal. My parents’ death amputated me, but it’s been his love that has changed me. I’ll never be the same and it’s marked by the night I heard “Maria, your parents are dead” …