I sat in the kitchen, folding laundry, sipping coffee, tears streaming down my face. I’m scared. I want to know what’s next but I don’t and that scares me. Naturally, I cry. Most often I cry in the face of fear because I know what lies on the other side of a fear becoming reality.
I hate the idea of experiencing grief again. It is such a temptation for me to allow my mind to settle into fear instead of crying out to God in the midst of fear. But today I’m so tired of settling into fear. Today, I’m reminded that I’m free in Jesus name. So today I went against my instinct to settle and cried out to God to show himself mighty where I feel so weak.
I told him I’m scared of pain and asked him to show me how to have hope here.
I told him I’m scared to grieve again and asked him to show me how to trust (his continued faithfulness) here.
I told him I don’t know how to stop focusing on the “what ifs” and asked him to help me learn how to rest in the “even ifs”.
I’m so tired of living and doing life the same way I always have- in fear. I’m tired of trying to control life circumstances that are so uncontrollable anyway. I’m tired of reading the scripture and being moved by them but not changed by them.
Don’t you want to read these ancient words that are ever true and see them come to life? I do and I’m tired of tolerating anything less than all he has to give.
It’s occurred to me that I don’t know how any of this can happen if I first don’t cry out to God for help.
I think of times I ask my children questions that I already know the answer to, but I want to hear the answer in their own words and from their own heart. It’s in this space with them that we learn each other better, know each other more, and love is demonstrated where it couldn’t had they not talk to their mom.
I understand that God is different because he already knows our heart but there is something powerful that happens (for us) when we cry out to our Creator in complete vulnerability.
We must cry out to our Father.
Cry Out: to utter inarticulate sounds, especially of lamentation, grief, or suffering, usually with tears, to weep; shed tears, with or without sound, to call loudly; shout; yell (sometimes followed by out), to demand resolution or strongly indicate a particular disposition
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.